There are a lot of days when I wonder why I feel things the way I do and there are even more days that I wonder, WHY? At a glance, you would look at me and think that I am extremely blessed, and I am. I truly am. I have the most wonderful, healthy and happy children. I have a beautiful home and healthy food that stocks my shelves…and some unhealthy stuff too, if I am being totally vulnerable. 🙂 I have 3 businesses that I outright own, (not that they make me a million dollars) but they are successful in their own right and they are all mine! I have the very best Tribe around me that picks me up when I fall and shows up for me every single day. I have a more peripheral Tribe too, that is often telling me how proud, impressed, or lucky they are just to know me, learn from me or hear me speak on stage. My parents and siblings are all well and happy, my dogs are warm and cozy and my heart is full.
I also have Depression.
There are days I physically can NOT get out of bed. There are others where the tears and cries that come out of my mouth almost scare me because it is as if I do not even recognize myself. Today is one of those days.
From the outside looking in, you would think I was the best version of myself that I could be.
I woke up early, made my bed and had fancy coffee ready for my managers when they arrived at 9 am for our meeting today. I recorded a podcast. Made several phone calls I was putting off for days. I accomplished a lot of tasks on the “To Do” list. I answered 54 emails, 37 texts, got groceries, took my teacup sized dogs out like 100 times to go potty in 3 foot snow drifts, did 4 loads of laundry, made my kids a home cooked meal, cleaned the kitchen and took a shower. Which may not seem like a huge day for some of y’all but from 9AM to 6PM, it was a pretty strong day, for me! Not to mention all the things my managers got done simultaneously as me… we are talking editing a podcast, creating voice over tracks, ordering new merchandise for the store, creating labels for our candles and commercials for social media, and so much more.
And yet, the second I got into the shower, I just started to cry. Not for one reason and not for 100 reasons. Just because. Because it is part of me, a part that has been with me for as long as I can remember.
Before high school, being a kid was never hard in my household. Before college, when school and friends were fun and easy. Before marriage, when I thought LOOKING for the love of my life was going to be the HARDEST thing I’d ever do! Before babies, when “hormones” meant little more than craving chocolate once a month.
And also before divorce, when things got dark and scary. Before COVID, when I thought “oh this will pass, it couldn’t possibly last almost a year.” Before riots in my town that burned not only buildings but my desire to keep pressing forward in my endeavors.
For as long as I can remember, it has been there.
I don’t know why and I can’t predict when.
I see all the appropriate doctors, I take all the required medications, I try to do healthy things for my body and mind, and I have a renewed Faith that I call on often.
Yet still it comes. It comes in waves and not always at the same intensity. But tonight, as I write to y’all, tears stream down my face and I can’t hold back the hitching of my breathing because tonight it is here. Tonight I face it head on and try to look forward to a new day. However, if the new day comes and it returns I know I will get through it. Perhaps you are like me and so to you I say…WE will get through it.
As I continue to share with this community that I call Fearlessly Authentique, I felt it most necessary to start sharing more about myself, my story, and the things that make the word ‘authentic’ so important to me. My intention for this blog post was not to bring you down but to remind you that you are not alone. And if you know others that are like me, you can tell them, THEY are not alone. Because no matter what happens tomorrow or even the next day, I will forever say “I got this” even if it is with tears in my eyes. I have done it before and I will do it again because I am stronger than the demons that sometimes live inside me. I am working hard every day, to be Fearlessly Authentique and I hope you are striving to do the same because y’all have GOT this!!
This blog post is dedicated to my very dear friend Annie Hines and she will know why. I love you girl.